If you don’t follow my bump blog, my facebook page or Twitter you may not have heard about my awful news. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last Saturday, she was stillborn. I wrote a post on my bump & baby blog (link) but many of you were asking where I have been on Makeup & Beauty so I decided to post this special blog post here.
As a little tribute to Olivia and to help facilitate some well needed healing, I thought it would be nice to compile some of my good memories and photos taken over the past two weeks.
31 weeks
This is my last Pregnancy Week by Week photo, taken at 31 weeks. My husband took it in Lanzarote. I had a blog post drafted but never got to push it live since I was admitted to hospital a few hours after I arrived home. In the post I mentioned I had noticed Pre-ecplamsia signs and that I was starting to feel concerned.
Eve in the garden at the Rotunda Hospital, Dublin.
This was taken the night before I found out Olivia’s heart had stopped beating. I felt so unwell and yet I have such lovely memories of this evening. I sat in the beautiful gardens in the Rotunda with my husband, my mam and Eve. Eve ran around the grass barefoot and we sat in the sun. This was the last time I felt Olivia move in my tummy. I’m comforted by the fact that she could hear our voices and we were all together at the time of her passing.
My last bump picture before I delivered. The bump is very tiny for 32 and a half weeks. The labour developed very quickly. This was taken moments before I called the midwife to tell her I was contracting. Within a few hours Olivia arrived. I will treasure this photo since it’s the last one of her in my belly.
Labour & Birth
Giving birth was amazing, regardless of the outcome. I was in labour after induction with Eve but my labour didn’t progress and it ended in a C-section. I have only gorgeous memories of Eve’s birth – I spent the night epiduraled up the hilts, crocheting her a hat. I wasn’t afraid and the entire experience was serene. My labour on Olivia involved pain, both labour and from a broken heart, and yet it was magical. There was no time for an epidural, there was leg cramping between pushes and it was still amazing. I feel proud that I delivered her myself and despite knowing her fate I desperately wanted to meet and hold her. I don’t know how, but in the midst of this devastating event, positivity has reigned. My labour, delivery and the days I could go and hold her made it amazing,
This is coinín. Eve has the larger version, she adores it. We were planning to buy the mini version for the arrival of our second baby before I reached 40 weeks. Instead we picked up two, the first stayed with Olivia after she was born and the second stayed with me for those few days. When the time came to say goodbye, we swapped. That way she would have something of mine and I of hers.
Olivia’s service -We used the phrase ‘Codail a Síogín, go ciúin is go sámh’ for Olivia. Its Irish for Sleep Peacefully, little fairy.
My husband had trouble finding premature cloths at short notice. This came from Mothercare and is made for babies who weigh 3 pounds. It’s absolutely tiny (the bear is the size of my thumb). There is a velcro closing, designed for babies in incubators. I never would have imagined I would be buying baby clothes that small.
After I delivered Olivia the lovely midwife gave us this beautiful memory box from Féileacáin (Stillbirth & Neonatal Death Association of Ireland). It reads Always loved Never Forgotten. The box had a camera, a crocheted blanket, 2 tiny bears, a small memory box and a kit for taking hand and foot prints. It’s such a gorgeous idea and it provided us with so much comfort.
We have found ourselves using the phrase ‘thank heavens for small mercies’ a lot over the past few days – The sun shining the day of Olivia’s ceremony, the bird that chirped happily on the windowsill throughout the service, the fact that our angel wasn’t born living into the world only to suffer and accept the same fate anyway.
The staff at the Rotunda Hospital, Dublin, were amazing. I want to thank them for their efforts in making this traumatic time as manageable as possible. They are phenomenal, each a every one of them. I look forward to being back in their care again under happier circumstances. I would also like to send my love to Sinead and Grainne, two lovely girls I met in hospital. Both are awaiting the safe arrival of their babies. I had many a good chat and giggle with them in the first few days and they were there after the worst happened. I look forward to hearing their good news soon and want to thank them for lending me an ear.
We chose this piece of music for Olivia’s ceremony. We used to play it into the bump so it seemed fitting as a send-off. Also the title of the piece is Transformation (by The Cinamatic Orhcestra), very appropriate I think.
httpvh://youtu.be/EFhzK7YNFKk
I also want thank you all so much for your support. You have no idea the comfort I get in reading your comments and messages here and on Facebook and Twitter. I can’t believe almost 11,000 people saw that post. It feels good that so many of you know about my Olivia. For those of you who have been through this and are still living and smiling – you are an inspiration.
I will be returning to regular beauty posts now. God knows, a girl still needs to talk about lipstick – I know you understand :)
Take care,
Amy x
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Dear Amy,
I can’t put my feelings into words, but I would like you to know that my thoughts are with you. I wished there could be anything I could do for you. Even if I don’t know you at all (I’ve just discovered your blog), I know you are a wonderful woman and I admire your strength and your peaceful heart. I am convinced that Olivia is proud of you and becomes visible through your love.
Juliane
(I want to appologize if my grammar is bad, I am writing from Germany…)
I was watching a video on YouTube and surprisingly your video came up as a recommended view. I don’t know if it was divine intervention or something else but I will be eternally grateful I did. I cried tears I have never thought I would. I cried for you, for your beautiful baby and I cried for me. You see, in 2002, my husband and I lost our twin daughters when I was 24 weeks pregnant. No one knew of my pregnancy because I was so high risk and we had had many miscarriages before. I felt I could not mourn. Seeing your video has shown me it is not only OK, but it is healing. I admire your strength and am so greatful to have found your video. Thank you. You and your family are in my prayers.
Dear Amy,
I just now came across your YouTube video, which lead me to this post, and I can’t tell you how brokenhearted I was, I broke down, when listening to and reading your story.
I can’t even imagine all you went through, and yet the strength, grace, positivity and beauty on which you remember those last moment and describe everything are so, so inspiring!
My heart goes out to you, and I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you!!!
Big hugs,
Liesl :)
I am so very sorry to hear about your loss Amy. I have followed your channel for at least three years now but had stopped watching youtube videos because of my own pregnancy so I just seen the news about Olivia today. You are an inspiration to all women. Thoughts and Prayers x
I am truly so sorry for the loss of Olivia. The fortitude and grace you have shown in living with this is inspirational. All best wishes to you and your family.
Bless your family and your little Olivia, so sad to read this post, I hope you’re all doing relatively ok. xxx
God bless you and your family.
I’m after finding out about your loss for that I’ve been off youtube for long.
You’re a wonderful Angel and hope and pray that you’ll find comfort in your beloved ones for your devastating loss.
A huge hug and all my love and admiration.
You’re living proof that beauty resides in the heart.
Your friend,
Carmen, xxx
I am sorry for your loss… Im sure all these babies are together including my good friends baby Carter Austin 10-13-12
wow, thanks for sharing your story. i can’t even imagine what you feel. i’m so sorry this has happened to you.
i’m so sorry for you loss. my little brother was stillborn too. I’m sure she’s looking down on you. <3
I am so very sorry for your loss. Stay strong. Olivia, you and your family are in my thoughts.
Although I don’t have children of my own yet, I work at a Children’s hospital and see people go through this all the time. It’s people with a positive perspective like you that come out the best on the other side. I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience this, but keep focusing on the blessings that Olivia brought to your life. Stay strong <3
So sorry to read about this. Sometimes angels are just too perfect for this world. Thinking of you xx
Hello Amy,
I am sorry for your loss and I pray that you will one day see her again.
I just want to let you know you are an amazing person!
God Bless you Olivia!
I am so sad to read your news x may god bless your little angel, you and your entire family x I hope for happier times ahead for you all and am very proud of you for being so strong going through this x
Marian,
Dublin
I am sending my prayers to you and your family and to precious Olivia.
I cannot express how appreciative I am to you for sharing this. You are extremely strong for being able to share your experience with us – I can only imagine this will be helping many other young women who are experiencing what you are going through as well.
Wishing you and your family all the best
I am so sorry for your loss <3
Amy,
I am 29 and recently married but do not have children at the moment. I hope to someday soon when the timing is right. However, I follow your Youtube and your blog and when I came across your post and video this morning I had no idea how touched I would be. I found myself in tears on the couch as my husband cooks Sunday breakfast. I lost my father 3 years ago and have never gotten over it. I feel for you and can understand the loss .. not as a mother, but as a daughter. You have made a beautiful post with a beautiful send off. May comfort be with you. Cuimhnigh i gconai Olivia .. (hope that is correct) .. Best wishes from a Newfoundlander in Canada (lots of Irish influence where I come from.)
Kristi
So sorry for your loss, thank you for sharing. In my thoughts and prayers. X
You are an amazing person and mother…olivia is a beautiful angel and lucky to have so much love and u as her mom…u inspire me
Amy,
I am so deeply sorry to hear of your loss. The courage and strength you have shown is absolutely inspirational.
I’m sure your little angel will be with you always.
xxx
Rest in peace baby Olivia. xx
R.I.P Olivia..beautiful baby girl is with God now and he’ll look after her. Dont you worry xxx
R.I.P Olivia..beautiful baby girl is with God know and he’ll look after her. Dont you worry xxx
Words can’t heal the pain, but I feel close to you right now.
I know that our dear ones are here with us even if we can’t see them. We can feel them instead.
Bye Olivia.
xxx
Claudia
My heart aches and tears are flowing for you and your family. What an amazingly strong woman you are. I will be praying for you and your little fairy tonight. My thoughts and love are with you. xxx
STAY STRONG, GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
I am so sorry for your loss Of Beautiful Olivia:( you are so kind to share this heartbreaking post with us she will be with you always side by side heart to heart! My condolences go out to you and your family at this most difficult time:(
‘
My heart is with you. Many hugs and kisses from bottom of my heart!
Amy, so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine how you must be feeling. I hope you are getting a little stronger every day. Your little angel will be with you forever. Thinking of you at this very sad time. Love & hugs XXXX
Amy, you and your husband and family have my deepest sympathies. I cried my eyes out for you whilst reading your post. I am so sorry to hear of your terrible loss. My thoughts are with you all. xx
Rest in peace little Olivia.
Poor Amy, my condolences to you and your family.
Beautiful post , what a lucky girl to have been so loved in her short life, may she rest in peace xx
Hi, just came upon your website randomly today when I was looking for eyeshadow swatches….I feel a bit silly and shallow now….I’m so sorry for your loss, I know you’re little angel is looking down on you. Hope you’re all doing ok. Sending you hugs x x x
As I reach 31 weeks today I thought of you. This is a beautiful tribute to your child. I hope you and your family are doing okay. Rest in peace little angle Olivia.
oh amy my heart is broken watching and reading your blog,it was so beautiful.may you and your wonderful family find some comfort at this sad time xxx
I am saddened to hear of your news. I know your little girl is watching over you. I am praying for you and your family. I cannot imagine a greater loss than losing a child. We love you, and we are here for you. Stay strong love! <3 <3
Words can’t express how sorry I am to hear of your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
XOXO
My heart is aching for you and your family!! I can’t even Imagine the pain you must be feeling! My brother lost his twin girls at 36 weeks, things like that just shouldn’t happen :(
Know that your sweet girl is keeping watch over you, and you will see her again!!
Kim
Sorry for your loss. Strength to you.
You’ve taken all of this with such grace and beauty and strength (although you may not always feel it). Much love.
Your little angel will be watching over you all! What a beautiful post, I was moved to tears. Stay positive. X
your little angel is shining bright above you and is looking after you all, sending hugs and prayers xxx
Thinking of you xx
I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers go out to you and your family and a special prayer for a little angel.Your tribute to Olivia is beautiful.Thinking of you.x
Amy, just read this post with tears streaming down my face. Im so sorry for your loss and I am in awe at your strength and acceptance.
Oh Amy, I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers go out to you and your husband and family at this difficult time. I was so moved and heartbroken reading this post, my heart breaks for you. God Bless you.
I’m so very sorry to hear your news Amy. Your post is truly beautiful. I will pray for you, your family and your little angel. x
Amy, I am so so sorry for your loss. Your post is so beautiful yet so sad. I will pray for you & your family to get through this heartbreaking time. I will pray for your little Angel Olivia. Stay strong hun. R.I.P Little one xxxxxx
Amy, reading your post made my heart break for you and your family, I finished it in tears but amazed at how courageous you are for finding the strength to share your news with so many, your tribute to your angel is lovely, there is such a calmness to it that I find comforting, I will pray for you and your family so you and your husband can continue to be strong for each other.
Sorry to hear your tragic news Amy and Ray . It happened to me and my wife we had a little girl called Sophia . I know both of your hearts are broken look after one another and your daughter Eve .
I pray for you and both of your beautiful daughters, Amy.
Amy………..your post is lovely yet so heartbreaking. I don’t know how you have the strength to write it……………..Olivia’s birth was awaited from so many of us that have followed you and your journeys. I wish I could give you a big hug and help you in some small way. I pray for strength for you and your family. Thank you for sharing this with us …….you are in my thoughts and prayers.
I’m so sorry for your loss, you and your family will be in my prayers. You have so much courage talking about it like you have.
It breaks my heart to hear this. I’m so sorry Amy.
<3 Lindsey
Amy, I feel compelled to post but I feel so lost for words. Just to let u know u are not alone but in the thoughts and prayers of so many people. You are an amazing woman, made of such courage and strength. Thinking of you all during this terrible time, your baby angel Olivia will never be forgotten. All my love xoxo
I’m heartbroken for you. Tomorrow marks 9 years since my sweet Norah was stillborn. The longing for her never truly goes away, but is eased by my other children. Praying that the same is true for you. Hugs.
I was choked up reading your news but your post is written with such love and inner strength. The memory box is such a thoughtful idea – I wish I had something for the baby I lost.
I don’t know you personally but my thoughts and prayers are with you xox.
Amy, only a lady of your class and poise could write such beautiful words at this awful time for you and your family. Little Eve will keep you strong. Olivia will always be looking down on you all and I hope you find comfort in knowing you have your very own angel protecting you all forever x
Amy I am so sorry for your most desperate news. I myself lost one of my little girls Pia is her name. She is a twin sister to Anneka who is now 24. I will keep you in my thought and prayers at this most saddest time.
So sorry to read of your loss, what a lovely tribute this post is to Olivia. She will live on in your heart always.
Oh my godness Amy-I am so so sorry to hear your news. Your blog post is beautiful! You are extremly strong to have gone through what you have and be able to share it with others. You should be so proud of yourself to be dealing with things as well as you are.
RIP Oliva.
Amy, you are just amazing. Such a beautiful post and your positivity so inspiring. Eve and little Olivia are so lucky to have you as a mummy. My heart and thoughts go out to you, your husband, Eve and your family.
I am so sorry for your loss. You are such an amazing person. You are a true inspiration to every lady in ireland and all over the world. May baby oliva rest in peace. xx
You’re an inspiring woman, Amy. The little bears ritual was done with so much love and care. Such a touching and loving service for Olivia. Thanks for sharing your courage and your family’s journey with us. Love and healing prayers, Sue.
Shocked and saddened to hear the bad news. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time. Your post was beautifully written and a great tribute to baby Olivia. May she rest in peace <3 x
Oh Amy, this post is heartbreaking, and the music is beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even to begin how you must be feeling, but I am inspired your determination to try and be positive and look at the good moments even when you heart must be broken. Olivia is a beautiful name, and she’ll never be forgotten.
<3 Come back to us here on this blog when you are good and ready.
xxx
Was wondering where you’d been Amy but never expected to be reading this. Your piece moved me to tears. It is so so beautifully written. You are so strong to have shared this, your strength and positivity are inspirational. Little Olivia was a very lucky little baba. My deepest sympathies to you and your family at this difficult time. My heart goes out to you. RIP little Olivia x
Amy, I am so, so sorry for your loss.
This post had me with tears streaming down my face! I used to work in a childrens intensive care and neonatal unit, so unfortunately have seen so many families suffer the same loss.
Your post has so much love, strength of character and positivity in it, despite the heartbreaking circumstances. It warmed my heart because you can tell you obviously have an amazing family and friend support network around you at this time.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all, I have lit a little candle for Olivia xxx
I am so sorry to hear of your loss, my thoughts are with you all and have to say you seem
seem such a strong person and this post alone can give lots of people a helping hand and a way to get through something like this, keep positive x Amanda (Glasgow)
What a beautiful and heartfelt post. My thoughts and feelings are with you, I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through but I am thinking of you all. Bless beautiful Olivia, Rest In Peace gorgeous girl, you are so loved <3 And love to you, Amy, you beautiful courageous woman xxx
Amy, I am so, so terribly sorry to hear about your loss. This post really brought tears to my eyes, you are such a remarkably beautiful person to be able to see the positivity and light in such painful circumstances. You are so incredibly strong, and are such an inspiration with your eloquence in such difficult times. Your family and your beautiful baby will be in my thoughts and prayers
So sorry for you and your family’s loss. In my thoughts. X.
I’m so unbelievably sorry for your loss, Olivia is a beautiful name and i know she’ll always be looking down and with you in spirit, keeping you in my thoughts xx
Ive had tears reading the comments so sad and my heart goes out to you and your family God bless xx
So sorry for your loss Amy. My thought are with you. R.I.P Olivia x
Your post is so beautifully written Amy, it really feels like a little angel was released into the heavens. I hope you a your lovely family are doing well – there’s a lot of love and positive wishes out here for you and for anyone else going through this.
Oh Amy,your post is as beautiful as it is heartbreaking…i have a lump in my throat as i read.the loss you have experienced is unimaginable. i am so full of admiration at how strong you are for going thru this and still taking the time to continue writing with such an open honest heart . God bless you and heal you. You and your dear family are in my prayers xxx
Dearest Amy,
Words cannot express the heartache I feel for you and your family. You are an inspiration to women of all ages.
One of my favorite quotes:
There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief…and unspeakable love. –Washington Irving
Amy, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. That’s such sad news. I hope you and your family are doing ok xx
So sorry to hear your news. Always remember that even the darkest times in our lives have glimmers of hope. You will always have a shining star in baby olivia.
amy i am so very sad to hear of ur tragic news. i will keep u in my thoughts and prayers. ur so inspirational to share this. xxx <3
am so sorry to hear this, a very moving post and we are all thinking about you and your beautiful baby Olivia … Xx
Me & my family are so very sorry for your loss. I agree with Niamh, your post is beautifully written, and thank you so much for sharing your experience so candidly. I have had a difficult pregnancy, my son was conceived after countless procedures and IVF treatments, but I can’t even begin to imagine your pain. You, your family & Olivia are in our prayers, god bless you all xoxo
It is just awful what happened.Olivia is a little angel that will always watch over you.Amy you a brave lady to share your story.So very sorry for your loss.xx
There are no words. What a gorgeous tribute to a precious little girl. Keep well Amy.
Amy i’m so sorry to hear your sad news. I think its really lovely that you have taken the best from it and treasure the memories of your pregnancy with your baby girl. Such a beautiful post too, Olivia was lucky to have such a loving mother and family.
Amy, I cried reading your beautiful post. To try and see the positive through such heartache and loss takes immense courage and strength. I am so sorry for you and your family’s loss but I am sure Olivia knew she was loved dearly. May she rest in peace xx
I am in tears after reading this post. I am so sorry for your loss!
I’m so sorry for your loss, Amy! You’re an amazing woman and I really admire you and your strength in dealing with this! I’m sending you my best wishes!
Amy, this is such a beautiful blog post, it moved me to tears. I am so sorry to hear your sad news and my heart goes out to you and your family. Take care xx
Dear Amy,
I am really sorry for your and your families lost.
But as long as you keep telling her story she isn’t gone
but right between us. Only someone who is not talked about
has never lived. When there are very tough moments than take
Eve in your arms and hold her tight, it helps a lot.
Petra (Germany)
Amy in tears reading your blog. sending good wishes if they are of any comfort at all, not sure they will be xxxxxxx
My heart breaks for you. Thank you for sharing your beautiful memories of Olivia, I feel honored to know her story. Wishing you and your family peace and strength. xxxx
My eyes welled up as I scrolled down and read all about your daughter Olivia’s journey… I am truely humbled by your ability to see the bright side of a very dark time… These memories and pictures are beautiful… You are an inspitiration… My heat goes out to you and your family and I wish yee all the best in the future x x x
Amy, I have been following your blog for some time now and absolutely love it. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. What a beautiful way to remember your lovely daughter and Eve’s little sister. I am keeping your family in my thoughts and sending you lots of positive energy. I hope you all find comfort and peace soon. x (sorry if this comment came through twice I am having technical difficulties as per usual.)
Amy, I have been following your blog for awhile now and absolutely love it. I am so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful way to remember your daughter and Eve’s little sister. I am sending your family positive thoughts and hope that you are able to find comfort somehow. x
Hi Amy, I am so sorry for what you are going through, I can’t even imagine the pain, that blog gave me shivers, I have said a prayer for baby Olivia. stay strong. xxx
Amy,
Your story has moved me so. I am a beauty blogger like you and also pregnant…I have had friends go through similar situations. It’s such a tragedy. They say God always takes the best angels too quickly…
You have been in my prayers since I heard and you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers still.
Your post is so touching and I am touched by how positive you have been able to be. Your inner strength is so apparent, so deep, so zen.
I wish you and your family peace and comfort during this difficult time xo
Amy, I am so sorry for your loss. I’m not sure I could have kept it together under circumstances like these, but this was so beautifully written – baby Olivia will always be remembered. Sending positive thoughts to you and your loved ones.
Maja (Canada)
I already left you a message on Facebook but I have to say that you have an amazing way with words….Just sending you all some hugs to keep you going…Come back to telling us about lipstick when the time is right for you all….
Take care
What a beautiful post Amy. I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine what you’ve gone through but I’m so happy you’ll have these gorgeous memories forever. Sending lots of love and prayers to you and your lovely family.x
Thanks so much Joy x
Hi Amy
Welling up reading your post :( you seem like a strong woman and I believe you will get through this. Heart goes out to you and your family at this hard time xx
Jenny, I really hope I am! :) Thank you very much for your lovely comment x
Thank you for this post, it really is my favourite beauty blog, and you are a true inspiration in so many ways. Amazing lady.
xXx
Aw thanks Jessica :) x
Such a beautiful blogpost Amy, i shed some tears, it is such sad news, all my thoughts and prayers are with your family at this time. Olivia is such a gorgeous name xxx
Thank you Leanne. I fought my husband the whole pregnancy on the name but as soon as I saw her I knew she was an Olivia :)
What a beautiful post, Extremely sad but so positive at the same time. I’m very sorry for your loss. Olivia is blessed to have such an amazing family. You are an inspiration and I for one will remember the story of your little Angel x
Ah Brenda, you made me cry. Thank you so much x
God Bless you, you are very brave and I send you all my love, I lost a baby very early on and that was hard enough, I cannot imagine the grief you are all feeling, take care xxx
Ah I’m so sorry for your loss too Caroline. Thank you so much x
this moved me to tears, i am so sorry to hear your news but i am glad that you are keeping positive
sending love and prayers,
amy xxx
this moved me to tears, i am so sorry to hear your news but i am glad that you are keeping positive
sending love and prayers,
amy xxx
Amy, thank you very much x
So unbelievably sorry to hear of your loss.
Your family is in my thoughts and prayers and may baby Eve give you the strength to carry on.
Rest peacefully little angel.
xxx
Thank you very much Krista. I really appreciate the prayers x
R.I.P Baby Olivia <3 Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family xx
Thank you so much Catriona x
So sorry to hear about your sad news, you are so very brave to share your experience with us. You sound like an amazing woman, you baby Olivia and all your family are in my thoughts and prayers x
Niamh, thanks so much for your lovely message and for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers x